1. Joe’s Carpenter Shorts - Got a summer outfit fixer-upper? DIY with this utili-cute, cuffed denim pair. Price: $134.
2. AG Malibu Crops - A rolled, above-the-knee counterpart to your favorite softly weathered blues. Price: $138.
3. AG Pixie Shorts - Denim cut-offs, with plenty of worn-in fading and distressing, sport an extra-short silhouette. Price: $138.
4. 7 For All Mankind Honolulu Shorts - Weathered and whiskered in all the right places, this pair is proof that you take your relaxing seriously. Price: $148.
Denim shorts=super summer staple, yes? Yes. But what the shit, Anthropologie? Your four most expensive shorts are all denim and all over $130! I would ask “Why!?” but really, we all know the answer to this question … the lust for the denim label. Joe’s, AG, 7 … I think we’re all too familiar with these overpriced names. Denim labels kill me dead.
Denim is a principle part of our wardrobes and will certainly continue to be, that is fact. But what baffles me is how one day, someone took a huge rip off the “Fuck You Consumers” bong and decided, in their money induced haze, that it would be acceptable to charge over $200 for a pair of jeans (the long ones, I’ll get back to these shorts in a sec). And what’s worse, is that we, as consumers, buy into it. We do. I mean, someone is buying these overpriced jeans, which is why they’re still haunting racks and e-commerce shopping carts the world over. We should ostrich in shame, people.
Let me start off by saying that I love Monocle. It’s an unhealthy addiction that I’ve tried to stave off, but just can’t. It’s a dense, $10 maggy fix that keeps me high on world affairs, artisan finds and a lifestyle that I can only dare to dream.
There’s a serious retail epidemic that returns every year once the weather heats up and the sun lingers longer above our heads. It’s R.O.S., more commonly known as the Rip-Off Sandals virus, and we here at FYA have cornered one of its most potent carriers.
Behold, the Golden Crabapple Sandals, made of thin strips of leather covered in gold-painted wooden (I’ll say it again, wooden) balls. They’re here to royally piss us off…
Before I start to really freak out…I’d like to offer up some important facts. For a few years now (so, really, before Michelle Obama put them back on the map) J.Crew has been putting out the J.Crew Collection, which is like their idea of couture. They have a brick and mortar store on Madison Ave. and have a range of items like a $700 waxed cotton military inspired jacket all the way down to a tank for $198.
Facts done, now back to the dress…
Catalog Description:Thousands of sequins have been carefully hand placed onto this French-grosgrain strapped dress. We love the frayed silk chiffon trim—an exquisite touch that evokes the artistry of haute couture. Merino wool in a hand-crocheted 14-gauge knit. Allover sequins. Fitted. Grosgrain straps with silk chiffon trim. Fully lined with silk chiffon. Falls to midthigh. Part of the J.Crew Collection. Import. Spot clean. Available in select stores. Price: $1400.
OK. First and foremost J.Crew needs to calm its shit down, take a deep breath and edit this description because it’s super repetitive. But, they’re clearly not in their right minds (Hello, they think they’re couture!).
Secondly, let’s just talk about the styling for this photo. Now, if I were trying to sell a $1400 sequined dress that “evokes the artistry of haute couture” I would sure as shit not style it with a white tee and some wedges. Just sayin’. Make the model look like she’s going to a sweet-ass, exclusive as shit party where a $1400 dress would be appropriate, J.Crew! I sort of get that they’re trying to do this whole sequins-and-fancy-things-can-be-worn-anywhere-with-anything look (they tried to do it with their entire Spring/Summer lookbook), but this just isn’t working.
Thirdly, and correct me if I’m wrong, world…but I thought that J.Crew’s place in the retail caste system was in the “I’m aspiring to live on the Upper East Side, but still live in Murray Hill and thus can only really afford things like Banana Republic and Club Monaco and on the rare occasion treat myself to something nice from the Gilt Groupe" category. I thought that their retail purpose was to take what people want from couture trends and apply it to daily wearables that the masses can afford to buy. But, hey, what do I know?
J.Crew: Ever fantasize about owning a closet full of couture-quality designs?
FuckYouAnthropologie: YES! All the time!
JC: Well, so do we.
FYA: Awesome! We’re totes twinsies!
JC: After searching for those to-die-for pieces and not being able to find them…
FYA: Oh, really? Not even something from Balmain or Stella? I mean, they’re pretty awesome. Maybe Chanel? Really? Nothing?
JC: (No.)…our designers dreamt up the J.Crew Collection…
FYA: Oooooo, do tell!
JC:…a limited edition, seasonally updated range of playfully chic creations.
FYA: Ummm…so, like regular J.Crew? I’m confused!
JC: We stop short of nothing to give every piece the affection and detail it needs to make it a hands-down favorite now and forever.
FYA: Wait, remind me again how this fulfills my dream of owning a closet full of couture-quality designs? Is the J.Crew Collection cheaper than other “couture” or even other contemporary sportswear? Because I’m still just as broke as I was when I was buying your regular collection.
JC: Hmmmm…good question. But wouldn’t you rather just look at this $1400 sequined dress?
NO! Let me tell you something. If I had $1400 to spend on one article of clothing you had better believe it wouldn’t be on a J.Crew dress. It would be on some pretty number by Lim or McCartney or something on the third floor at Barney’s.