Dear People Desperate To Look As Hot As Ryan Gosling in Drive,
Look, I’m with you. Drive has everything you could want in a movie. Great soundtrack, exciting car-chase scenes, violence, mystery and, most of all, RYAN GOSLING LOOKING HOTTER THAN HELL.
Still, that doesn’t mean it’s cool for you to purchase this replica of the Driver’s jacket for $159.99 and prance around town chomping toothpicks and ogling girls from behind your $400 Selima Optique Aviator sunglasses.
Nevertheless, many of you have already purchased said jacket (seeing as how it’s now on backorder for nearly a month).
Some of you might say, “But, it’s for my Halloween costume!” But we’re onto you. Your backorder won’t even ship until Nov. 11, so there’s no way you’re rocking this satin scorpion on Oct. 31. This means you’ll hang that thing next to your pea coat and Members Only jacket, to be pulled out and worn when the moment strikes you — like when you make that late-night run for tampons for your girlfriend.
Unless you’re dense, it’s clear that the marketing of this product is solely to make you feel as if you’re as badass and drool-worthy as Ryan Gosling is in Drive. Unfortunately, the truth hurts, my friends.
You won’t look as sexy as you do sad when you’re driving around in your 1995 Toyota Tercel eating 7-11 burritos for breakfast, lunch and dinner for a month because you blew your grocery money on a lame replica jacket in the hopes of shagging a gal drunk enough to think you look like RyGos in the dark. And in the off chance that you do make this happen, Rando Drunk Chick will most likely add you to that notch on her bedpost reserved for bogan-ass dudes who resort to cheaply imitating hotter dudes just for a hop in the sack (It is worth it to note that this makes her look much worse than you do, but still.)
So, please, heed our advice. See Drive, covet Ryan Gosling’s untouchable cool, but do not try to emulate it. The results are quite depressing.