Fuck You Anthropologie

Happy F*ing Valentine’s Day

It’s been awhile and we apologize…We’ve just been stuck watching Downton Abbey under a pile of puppies.

But here we go…with a nice big “Fuck You” to all the single ladies, from our dear friends at Anthropology.

SO. Apparently, if you’re single you should “treat yourself” and “shake up the notions of Valentine’s Day” this February 14th by doing the following:

1) Pour yourself a glass of Prosecco. Fine. Bubbles are fun and who doesn’t love a glass of Prosecco. So far, I’m on board.

2) Do NOT under any circumstances go bathing suit shopping. Why not? Maybe my fabulous self is going on a tropical getaway this spring and I NEED one. Why should I not try on a bathing suit? Is it because I haven’t lost all my holiday weight and am pasty from not being in the sun all winter? Geez. Way to make me feel shitty about something I wasn’t even thinking about. Thanks Anthropologie. You can be such an unaware bitch sometimes.

3) Add some color to your POUT (Yes, you can wear THAT shade). BECAUSE IF YOU ARE SINGLE YOU MUST BE POUTING AND INSECURE. Thanks for telling me what shade I can wear, assface.

4) Give your treadmill the day off. Fuck you for assuming that I exercise, first and foremost. And secondly, thank you for making me feel bad for either not exercising at all (and if that IS the case, then I’m reading this as if you’re a sarcastic asshole) or exercising too much (and if that IS the case, then I’m reading this as if you think I work out just to get a partner). So far, your list of me treating myself is really making me mad.

5) Go shopping. Because retail therapy is the only thing that will soothe the loneliness.I hate you so much right now, Anthropologie.

6) Splurge on some sparkle. If I’m depressed and left to my own devices on VDay I had better damn well SPLURGE on something grander than a $32 headband with rhinestones. Just sayin’. If you’re going to insult me with this shit Anthro at least give me some credit. OH WAIT, I forgot what this whole stupid thing was about. Single women don’t know what to do with themselves on a Hallmark holiday, which is why we’re here in the first place. My bad!

7) Put down Middlemarch and pick up a supermarket glossy. How. Dare. You. Anthropologie. You can be such a belittling shit from time to time.  Why would I prefer US Weekly or OK! to Middlemarch or any other novel out there. I get the whole “guilty pleasure” thing, but its just such a douchebag thing to encourage.

8) (Saving the best for last…) Forget the stove, all you need is a pint of gelato and a spoon and dinner is complete! I can’t. I just can’t. After all the horrid things that came before…and now this?! This whole list is bloated with dated Cathy stereotypes and poor-me visions of single women on this commercial holiday. For a company who allegedly caters to successful women with a feminine sensibility and a penchant for florals and lace and ruffles, this seems like quite a slap in the face. I feel like I just took a time machine back and landed in Stepford hell.

What says you, dear FYA readers? Do you think this is cute and funny or fucking appalling?

(I’m going to go back to my happy place…See: Dowager Countess and puppies.)

-JH