Fuck You Anthropologie

J.Crew, you stupid.

Just because this space is labeled Fuck You Anthropologie, doesn’t mean that other retailer’s overpriced items are free from our digital bitch slap.

J.Crew, you’re up. And oh do you deserve it.

Ever since J.Crew has graced the shoulders of the M.Obama-nater it’s like someone pumped their heads full of their own shit-fumes and they think they can do the following:

Charge $1400 for a sequined dress.

Fuck you, J.Crew.

Before I start to really freak out…I’d like to offer up some important facts. For a few years now (so, really, before Michelle Obama put them back on the map) J.Crew has been putting out the J.Crew Collection, which is like their idea of couture. They have a brick and mortar store on Madison Ave. and have a range of items like a $700 waxed cotton military inspired jacket all the way down to a tank for $198.

Facts done, now back to the dress…

Catalog Description: Thousands of sequins have been carefully hand placed onto this French-grosgrain strapped dress. We love the frayed silk chiffon trim—an exquisite touch that evokes the artistry of haute couture. Merino wool in a hand-crocheted 14-gauge knit. Allover sequins. Fitted. Grosgrain straps with silk chiffon trim. Fully lined with silk chiffon. Falls to midthigh. Part of the J.Crew Collection. Import. Spot clean. Available in select stores. Price: $1400.

OK. First and foremost J.Crew needs to calm its shit down, take a deep breath and edit this description because it’s super repetitive. But, they’re clearly not in their right minds (Hello, they think they’re couture!).

Secondly, let’s just talk about the styling for this photo. Now, if I were trying to sell a $1400 sequined dress that “evokes the artistry of haute couture” I would sure as shit not style it with a white tee and some wedges. Just sayin’. Make the model look like she’s going to a sweet-ass, exclusive as shit party where a $1400 dress would be appropriate, J.Crew! I sort of get that they’re trying to do this whole sequins-and-fancy-things-can-be-worn-anywhere-with-anything look (they tried to do it with their entire Spring/Summer lookbook), but this just isn’t working.

Thirdly, and correct me if I’m wrong, world…but I thought that J.Crew’s place in the retail caste system was in the “I’m aspiring to live on the Upper East Side, but still live in Murray Hill and thus can only really afford things like Banana Republic and Club Monaco and on the rare occasion treat myself to something nice from the Gilt Groupe” category. I thought that their retail purpose was to take what people want from couture trends and apply it to daily wearables that the masses can afford to buy. But, hey, what do I know?

But, what really pisses me off is their answer to the question “What is the J.Crew Collection.”

Let me break it down for you:

J.Crew: Ever fantasize about owning a closet full of couture-quality designs?

FuckYouAnthropologie: YES! All the time!

JC: Well, so do we.

FYA: Awesome! We’re totes twinsies!

JC: After searching for those to-die-for pieces and not being able to find them…

FYA: Oh, really? Not even something from Balmain or Stella? I mean, they’re pretty awesome. Maybe Chanel? Really? Nothing?

JC: (No.)…our designers dreamt up the J.Crew Collection…

FYA: Oooooo, do tell!

JC:…a limited edition, seasonally updated range of playfully chic creations.

FYA: Ummm…so, like regular J.Crew? I’m confused!

JC: We stop short of nothing to give every piece the affection and detail it needs to make it a hands-down favorite now and forever.

FYA: Wait, remind me again how this fulfills my dream of owning a closet full of couture-quality designs? Is the J.Crew Collection cheaper than other “couture” or even other contemporary sportswear? Because I’m still just as broke as I was when I was buying your regular collection.

JC: Hmmmm…good question. But wouldn’t you rather just look at this $1400 sequined dress?

NO! Let me tell you something. If I had $1400 to spend on one article of clothing you had better believe it wouldn’t be on a J.Crew dress. It would be on some pretty number by Lim or McCartney or something on the third floor at Barney’s.

Ugh…J.Crew, you stupid.

-JH